50 Most Loathsome 2006

Ha! Some good zingers here.

A couple of excerpts to whet your snark:


50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006
48. Gerald Ford

Charges: Precedent-setting cowardice; admitted to pardoning Nixon because they were friends. Enabled the sense of executive impunity that pervades the White House today. A bumbling doofus who inadvertently helped launch the diseased career of Chevy Chase. Strongly criticized the current administration on Iraq in a 2004 taped interview with Bob Woodward on the typically spineless stipulation it wouldn't be released until after his death. Has become a burlesque reminder of American fealty and inability to speak truth to power while it might have an actual impact. Posthumous media flip-flop on the pardon highlights how sad and weak the press has become.

Exhibit A: Praised by Dick Cheney at funeral.

Sentence: Refused a pardon by Saint Peter.
43. Bill Gates

Charges: Became the richest man in the world through intellectual thievery, stealing Windows and every other software package he ever made a billion on. Microsoft's internal slogan with regard to competitors is “embrace, extend, and exterminate.” As founder and co-chair of The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, he's fighting global poverty and disease by investing in corporations that are the source of global poverty and disease. According to the L.A. Times, The BMGF has over $9 billion invested in companies whose activities contradict the foundation's stated mission.

Exhibit A: So cheap he downloads pirated movies and still won't pay for a decent haircut.

Sentence: Spanked in the Mall of America food court by Steve Jobs and the guys from Netscape.
29. Jesus Christ

Charges: May not have existed, and if he did, probably wasn't even American, but more of a dark-hued Jewish dwarf. A hygienically challenged hairball who rarely bathed or brushed his teeth. If alive today, he'd appropriately be branded as schizophrenic and disregarded by society. Sermon on the Mount was the very definition of socialism, and subsequently an affront to the self-regulating benevolence of the free market. An appeasing, cheek-turning pussy like this would never cut the mustard in America today.

Exhibit A: Contrary to prevailing pop theology, absolutely everyone, including the sheepishly devout, will be “left behind” at the apocalypse and forced to endure what biblical scholars estimate to be from 3 to 7 years of “hell on earth” before scoring that golden bus ticket to the gated community in the sky. Kind of a dick move, no?

Sentence: Second coming completely ignored, as it happens to coincide with Brangelina's wedding.

25. Deepak Chopra

Charges: Widely regarded by new age simpletons to be a font of wisdom, Chopra peddles a chutney-flavored weak anthropic principle based on the usual dippy claptrap about “universal energy” and a profoundly erroneous extrapolation of quantum physics. An accused plagiarist and sexual harasser, Chopra entreats his readers to abandon their silly religious traditions—and adopt his. Pitching a watered-down Hinduism as some perfect union of science and spirituality while supporting Intelligent Design and purporting to “prove” the existence of an afterlife, Chopra's work proves only one thing: he's just another mystical moron providing a psychic security blanket to soft-skulled suckers.

Exhibit A: Suggested a Middle East Disney World and Iraqi Nickelodeon to mollify their rage.

Sentence: Five years shoveling actual bullshit.

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This page contains a single entry by Seth A. published on January 23, 2007 9:18 AM.

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